IC Voicemail, Driftfleet:

[tothefly]

[There is no recording, just a few clicks and a beep.]

[Leave any IC voice messages or texts for Natasha here.]

Comments

[tothefly]

Can you explain the part about your world ending, and you surviving? Was there some sort of catastrophic event?

[She won't press for the rest, no matter how curious she is. Lives are at stake. Nightingale isn't a mission, and in lieu of a suitable return for the cost, she'll always vote in favor of lives saved.]

[experiencepoints]

[She shrugs.]

Well... Most importantly, I didn't survive. What you're talking to now is... a loose collection of shards from the shattered remains of Aiya's soul. I tried to get my shards, my memories, back, but... I got about halfway through before I was taken here. I told you once before, right? "I" technically don't exist.

Everyone at that castle was the same. Just... Tiny fragments of our souls, without memories, after our worlds were destroyed.

[tothefly]

You exist enough for me. I don't know if any of this is real--we've talked about that. But it doesn't matter, I think. You've been around long enough, experienced enough, that you're real enough. Don't think that you aren't.

[This time it's Natasha's turn to drink, expression remote as she thinks about her own home. What defines a soul. What makes a personality. What makes a person. It's all complicated, if you really get into the semantics, but honestly it couldn't be more simple, to her.]

[experiencepoints]

Can't help thinking that way.

[She sighs.]

All I can tell you is that it was destroyed by something called a 'Reaper'. At the castle, every single person there was the same. Their worlds had been destroyed, and their souls shattered, competing in sick events called 'games' to try to recover our souls and bring back our homes.

[tothefly]

Only one of you, from each world?

[Hard to imagine. She'd be demanding proof, needing to know, to touch...but without memories, how do you know what's real? How do you know you're even you? Amnesia is terrifying. She's seen the results of a wiped memory firsthand. To be in that position...she can't imagine. Doesn't want to.]

[experiencepoints]

... Some of us. Some worlds had two or three people, and somehow, they always ended up being people who knew each other. There were so many different 'Earth' people there that it's possible some of them were in the same world and just didn't know it, I guess...

I never had anyone else from my world there.

[tothefly]

So you've just been seeing people all over find people from their worlds, and never anyone from yours. That must be difficult. Lonely.

[experiencepoints]

... Yeah. I'd do... just about anything to see my friends again.

[tothefly]

[She doesn't share. Doesn't talk about herself. It's a weakness, gives people a way in. But every now and then, she feels that a couple words can make all the difference. They can save lives, change them. Maybe these aren't those words, but...]

I've never had anything I would call a friend. Not really. It's not exactly something you do in my line of work. Friends are a liability. But my life isn't for everyone. They're important to you, aren't they? Your friends.

[experiencepoints]

... They are. I... can't imagine a life without friends. I was supposed to be that way, but I'm not strong enough to be able to endure that...

Yura decided to befriend me, who didn't know anyone. She saved me from loneliness, and made me feel like maybe I was worth something. Araj was the first person I managed to befriend myself, a similar person to me, but she always believed in me. Cove was just someone we met by chance, but now we trust each other with our lives, and she tries to protect us from everything she can...

I can't imagine a life without any of them, and here I am stuck living it.

[tothefly]

It's not about strength. Just some people do better with others. Some people are meant to be alone. There's no shame in it. I have a...partner, who'd agree with you. Friendship is important. Necessary, even. Haven't you made friends here?

[experiencepoints]

I have, but... It's so hard to connect with people here.

[tothefly]

Because of who they are, or because they keep leaving?

[experiencepoints]

Who they are. People left all the time back at the castle. I've lost more teammates than I can count. It's just...

[She sighs.]

Most of the people here have never been through anything like what I have. No one understands it. At the castle, I could bond with my team because we saw each other's memories all the time, and we went through the worst things together. At home, my party was there for everything.

... Can I show you something?

[tothefly]

[They'd had their own chance at strolling through each others' memories here, but it wasn't exactly the same, was it? Still, she nods.]

Of course.

[experiencepoints]

[She lifts up her left knee, showing a scar just over the kneecap, through both sides- Natasha should easily recognize it as the scar from a bullet wound. She then pulls off her left glove, showing a matching scar on her elbow.]

These happened when I tried to stop my teammate's- My little sister's- friend from torturing her to death.

[She lifts up her dress, showing several faint scars of varying sizes across her torso, from cuts and burns. (she's also worryingly thin, once you can see under the dress- her ribs are very visible.)]

Bitch made a ceiling out of knives, glass, and boiling kettles, then dropped it on us. And that was a game we didn't lose.

[She drops her dress back down and touches her throat.]

... The times I actually died, didn't leave scars. I drank poison and died to save Sparrow. And in Bluebird's heart, I hit a trap and was drowned.

My team was eaten alive by zombies in front of me while I hid. I held Bluebird down for half an hour while she was tortured by hallucinations of her worst fears to try to win a game. One time, there was magically-induced starvation. Another, we were infected with some kind of lung disease. Most of our injuries didn't even scar, because the healing magic worked on that. I just got the wounds on my elbow and knee the day before I arrived in the fleet.

And all of this came after the life I just told you about. How can I connect with anyone? Whenever I speak my mind, people just tell me I'm 'depressing' and I need to think positively. Like I just have to fake being a normal person, and not some broken wreck like I am, and that's the only way I can get to know people here.

[tothefly]

[Natasha notes each scar in turn, not flinching. Gunshots, burns, cuts--the faint signs of malnutrition--it's nothing she hasn't seen before. She has her own share of scars, though many of them you don't notice without getting very, very close. Scars are identifying marks. A good spy, a good assassin, can't have many of those. And as she listens, she puts the pieces together. Heart, she's assuming, is a metaphor, like those inner rooms she'd visited during what Atroma playfully called 'calibrations.' Aiya, she'd said she was, before she was shattered. Were Sparrow and Bluebird nicknames, given names like Nightingale? She has to assume so. If that place was anything like Atroma, like the places she's heard others talk about, it's likely. They all seem to have specific rules.

But those rules have done a lot of damage here. She's not very good at compassion, but she does very well at anger. At understanding this sort of thing, at least, and when she speaks again there's something else in her voice, a certain insistence.]

Just because you can't see them doesn't mean the scars aren't there. And every now and then, you'll meet someone who understands that. But scars don't mean you're broken. They mean you've survived. Not everyone manages that. Not everyone is strong enough. Just like not everyone is strong enough to hear about it secondhand.

You've talked about XP before. Do people level up, back in your original world?

[experiencepoints]

I didn't have a choice but to survive. We're always brought back afterwards, and it's not like we can escape.

[That's a weird tangent, but it's something to focus on besides how hurt she is, so she seizes onto this topic to talk about it.]

... Yeah. I'm... I lost all of my skills back at the castle, so in regaining them, I've gained something called an 'effective level', which is... weird. That wasn't something I'd ever heard of before. But my effective level is below my actual one, and goes up when I regain my skills.

Right now, I'm effective level 21 as a mage, 3 as a healer, and 1 as a lancer.

[tothefly]

There's always a choice. You sacrificed yourself to save your teammates. You fought for your memories. You didn't just give up. It counts for more than you think.

[Maybe it seems like a weird tangent, but trust her, there's a purpose. She takes a moment, considers, then tries the analogy.]

Think of friendship as something requiring levels. When people are level one, they learn the surface of you. Your name, how you speak, general ideas and broad brushstrokes. Your first impressions. At level two, they learn a little more. What you think of most, how you act in a new situation. At three, they learn your motivations, or some of them, what drives you. A level one friend can't learn level three things about you, just like a level one mage couldn't do a level three spell, right? It takes time, and effort. It's not a perfect analogy, but it's something to consider.

[experiencepoints]

The problem there is I don't know who is what level, or... Much of anything about myself that's the low-level stuff.

[tothefly]

You did fine the first time we talked. Back on the beach planet. We talked about reality, what Atroma might really be, what's waiting for us. I'm probably not your best litmus for this sort of thing, but...it was a good start. We just talked. Was it that hard?

[experiencepoints]

It... really kind of is. I don't know what I did differently back then? I just said what I thought, like always.

[tothefly]

Sometimes it's about speaking your mind. Sometimes it's about knowing what part of your mind to speak. As confusing as that gets.

[experiencepoints]

That really is too confusing...

[tothefly]

It gets easier. Especially if you ask them questions about themselves. Where they're from, who they left behind--once you hear someone talk about themselves, it's easier to know what to share of you.